An Ode: To A Girl’s First Love
Greetings Readers & Friends,
Today, on April 17, 2019 I am 40 years/ 21.3 million minutes/ 1.25 billion seconds old. However, I died 22 years, 3 months, and 4 days ago. This vessel that carries my descriptive existence (i.e., my name, my physical recognition) was vacated by the primary components that affirms your living; the body, the being, and the spirit 22 years, 3 months, and 4 days ago. When my first love left this earth, when my first love left me, when my first love left me alone to fight this world by myself; the full overt presence of a human being (i.e., the physiological and emotional existence of me) left with my first love. Ironically, it is on this day that I fully realize and truthfully accept and recognize the self-trauma of my loss. Why did it take for me to become a “lived” adult; an adult who has been through significant amounts of trials and tribulations and wins at a very early age to understand the algorithm of my formula of pain?
I was 18 years/9.6 million minutes/576 million seconds old when I lost the love of my life, when I lost my first love, when I lost me. Alike the vampire culture, your maker is your alpha and your omega; your maker is your everything. My maker is my father. My maker is Nathan. My maker is Coach Hayes. He was the trinity of my existence and role as a human being. He provided me with unconditional.love, care, and protection 24/7 , 365 days of the year. Yes, I am 40 years, 21.3 million minutes, 1.25 billion seconds old and I am still hurting from my lost. I am still hurting from the lost of my first love. I still feel the exact moment and the sharp intensity of the pain that I felt when I lost him; when his heart stopped beating; when he took his last breath. Since this lost I have been primarily existing and barely living.
With the blessing of my family, I have been able to mask the pain as my gutted holes are filled with their spirit and love. But the slight thought of my lost love still brings me to tears; big tears, the complex ones that are composed of water, salt, love, and pain. One would look at me and quickly say that I have it all; that I reflect the wants of many. Let me say this loudly, let me say this clear! "I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL!” My life has been a fight to exist and live since I lost him; since I lost my first love. Everything that you see as it pertains to me..... my inner, my outer, my actions .......is a shield. It’s a mask and it’s armor to protect my raw; to protect the most purest form of me........the shy, the diffident, the quirky, cyclical melancholy, unorthodox, unconventional, on the spectrum me. I am the complete opposite of my displayed physical and mental. I am that case study that intrigues your soul that you will never forget. I am that discovery that saves masses. But I am also that being who is woefully misunderstood because of my uncomfortable difference; a difference that defines the displacement that I feel in this world when I lost my first love; when I lost Nathan, when I lost Lorenzo, when I lost Lo, when I lost Coach Hayes, when I lost him, when I lost my foundation of love....when I lost my Daddy.
I can say that from what I experienced thus far in my life, I do believe in spirits and destiny. I do because at every point when I am on the cusp of making the most life destroying decision ever, he shows up. He’s present. He changes the narrative, he changes the character, he redirects my path, he protects me. My lost love still makes his love known in my dreams.
Every single day of my existence I subject myself to scrutiny with my gutsy ambition and “who do you think you are” goals. It’s not that I want to expose myself to such deep degree of false predictive “surface” analysis. It’s just that I know that I have to in order to make valuable and meaningful use of the rare gift that I was given, and more importantly of the borrowed time that I am given on this earth until it’s time to reconnect with my lost love.
This is just a speck of a speck of feelings and experiences out of 7.6 billion in this world. But I believe there is still great significance here because of that 7.6 billion, 50% are women who were once girls who had or deserved to have that first love, that love of their life, their maker who made them.... their father.
I tell to you and I share with the world the story of my lost love to affirm that it is indeed true; girls and women need their daddies, they need their fathers, they need that first love, they need their prototype, they need their baseline to become well rounded human beings who know and accept nothing less than the type of perfected love and care that is best for them.
I am a daddy’s girl first and foremost; a die hard one to the core at that. So to all of the daddies who have daughters, I will leave you with this life nugget...love your girls hard and hold them tight because they are already giving that massive amount of love to you ten-fold.
Peace & Blessings,